I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
