My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
