Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
