My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I smell stomach acid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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