omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize