well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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