so let's talk penis.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
