Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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