Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
