I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
