I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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