wanna go halves on a baby?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
