oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
