She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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