Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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