It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
