Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
