he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
