Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just found a bag of teeth...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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