I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We have so much sex to catch up on
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
