My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Ketchup is God's man juice
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
