Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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