Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
