i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
