I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
