did you get engaged???
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
