I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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