wrigley field is MILF paradise
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
