He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
