Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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