The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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