if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
