Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
