I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
