His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
