get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You've changed since you got that strap on
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
