I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
