You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wanna passion pit in your ass
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
