my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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