I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
50% drunk capacity currently
Randomize
