i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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