Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
