Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
