in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
