I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
50% drunk capacity currently
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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