i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
