At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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