I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
