12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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