remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
