I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
