I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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