the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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