Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
