i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
