A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
