Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
